1. Send me a picture

My guy, who is your mother? At what point did you think a girl puts on 2000 shillings worth of lipstick, a new pair of Yeezus and a Givenchy dress so that she sends Kinyanjui a picture? Considering she has 5 MBs remaining because her bundles jamaa went MIA. And you want her to remain with negative 3 MBs because her phone is a 16 Megapixel camera that picks up even the blood in her Aorta. A quick answer to this type of request; INSTAGRAM. No one is applying for a modeling agency contract via you. Don’t request unless you are my boyfriend.

But whyyyyyy Omondi whyyyy

2. What are you doing?

Arrggghhh…..This question takes my aggravation levels to a weeded height. This is the type of question usually limited to the first fifteen seconds of dating, if we go on a second date just know the third will be in a church aisle. What am doing is none of your concern. It’s not so much that the question is annoying, it’s the fact that those who ask have nothing better to do other than to seek entertainment from other people’s lives. Ask away my dear friend but make sure that it is backed up with; can you come we have lunch? I have a business venture you will be interested in or let’s go shopping, or you should watch this new movie, the trailer is sick.
3. Have you eaten supper?

No honey, my life is based on the movie 12 years of slave, and I only have one meal a day when my master allows. Do my fat bum and 26-inch waistline say that I skip supper or any meal or even snacks in between these meals? Often one asks from a place of love, but it gets irritating when it gets to a template level. Worse if you follow it up with ‘What have you eaten?’ and ‘Can you send me a picture of your meal?’ I wish a wife upon you and more so that your phone crashes.
4. I didn’t see you jana

Bruh you aren’t the Messiah you can’t see me every day. Take a chill pill and you will see me when you see me and when you do see me, please don’t ask me why you did not see me before.


5. When you are online, and someone asks “Are you awake?”

Only ask this if you are a boyfriend, girlfriend or within the inner circle. When my Whatsapp reads online it means my data is on, please do not assume am having an open forum for annoying questions. Before asking this question, ask yourself is it answerable? Am I able to answer it myself? Should I just answer it myself? How many people have already noted that she is awake and have asked her this similar question? Will she copy paste a previous answer? Save yourself some bundles. Heck! Save me some bundles.
6. When you take a picture in good lighting, and someone goes like, “So you are light skinned?”

No, am a get out of here skin.  This is the type of question that shows that you spell your IQ in small letters. Thinking so shallow that it is literally on the skin surface. No brain matter involved in any sense of the way. 

I am made of black

7. Hey

When you get a “Hey” text from a new number of the group you just joined and it trickles down to a path of boredom and suicidal thoughts. Backed up by “How are you? Where do you live? Are you a Sagittarius? Can we meet?” 

Your phone battery is at 1%, so you ignore before your friend tells you if you are going for drinks or not. Then this new buffoon decides that you are a snob and continues with his long trail of “hey, hello, are you there?” Your friend is now typing, but your phone dies before she finishes because an absolute dimwit somewhere typed even faster saying ‘goodnight.’ Who made you?

You are dead to me



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