Before I delve too far into someone’s pit of disappointment and loathe, please forgive me for putting the two social networking services within limited breathing space. For those who are not quite familiar, LinkedIn is synonymous to Whitney Houston and Instagram is more like Akothee. Both quite efficient, both quite striking. However, the disparity in lanes when it comes to the two is simply staggering.
I dare not say, those who bear an IQ written in small letters are the famous grammers but I was told lying is not a celebrated human trait. I will keep it as factual as possible or like grammers like to say ‘one hunnid, one hunna all day errday”. Instagram is for the iPhone users, Infinix possessors and the HTC movement. The rest are only there to thirst, create memes and spy. All are of equal value, despite the megapixels their phones feature- thank you to filters. An iPhone user cannot be in existence without a Techno user – there has to be a liker and a liked, commentators are usually Samsung users. The gram chain dictates that the bottom is for users who have one hideous unclear selfie usually with two followers and two thousand following. A moment of silence. Gram is not for the faint-hearted.
To be a big wig on Instagram, your starter pack has to have as mentioned an iPhone, a small waist and a big bum, presence or absence of eyebrows is negligent, you must be light-skinned (rolls eyes) and have a pot-bearer to take you to all the lavish places. For a male, you only need beard, memes, occasionally post a good selfie, hang out with de la crème and hashtag Xtiandela on every post, let’s not forget the occasional ‘in my whip’ with a few light-skins just to take you to the 10k mark. Those at 100k foollowers (No, I did not misspell, thank you for being keen) are usually the hype masters, they market shoes, they market their own t-shirts, they don’t know the difference between your and you’re, have 7 comments and 50 thousand likes on every post plus they wear designer perfumes. Yes I have met one! Mama I made it! Happy belated!
All you see on the timeline of a typical Instagram account are half-naked Latina women (your friend, thatgalsweetie, is also going nude these days with those Kardashian captions nobody cares about-she looks better dressed) You cannot miss a car selfie, pictures of food, monotonous couple selfies from Shiro and Stan thinking they are God’s gift to all the singles with hope to find love, Please I have unfollowed you as I type this. Mscheeeewww!
LinkedIn conversely, you need that profile updated, you need to share your current employment status, experiences, skills (twerking is not a skill Laquisha, be humble, sit down!) and you should be in the know when the ‘know’ is needed. It’s like Facebook but only for intelligent, nonchalant and witty people. The kind of people whose small talk consist of the trajectories in stock, the modules that will revolutionize the business industry, whether the small Kenya Airways shareholders will be cut and plans of retiring at 40 and buying a yacht.
Meanwhile, you dimwit are somewhere complaining about imperfect lighting, bad camera or poor background. Scrolling down and checking if ‘Johnny the photographer’ has put you up as the Wednesday dosage (he still hasn’t, lying scum bug). Liking pictures of people you don’t like, semi-like and in your likeness. All part of Pop culture. Kajua kamekuja (sun is out) time to get that sun-kissed selfie then bomb! Three hundred likes, wait two hundred and ninety nine, you have just lost a fan. “OMG, unfollow her, Nancy has never been loyal!!” you think to yourself.
We cannot all be Pamela Anderson so hide those knockers also remember we cannot all be Zuckerberg, bring the sexy abs out to be sun-kissed! Instagram is where you go when you want to feel demotivated, LinkedIn is where you are reminded to keep focus.
Was I sent by LinkedIn? No but if I was, I wouldn’t even have an Instagram account! OMG follow me on blush__lounge
Please don’t make a meme out of me!