MY PHONE, MY CONVENIENCE by Daisy Waitherero Wambua

With quite a number going digital, it’s easy to have over 1000 contacts in your phone and as the numbers increase so does the annoyance and consequently the lies. Phones do belong to hell, they make us lie more than the devil does. Lie about our whereabouts just to avoid a bothersome relative, lie about a hearing problem that developed amidst so as to end the call immediately and last but not least, lie about having a phone; shout out to the people bearing a simcard with no phones. I mean how in the phone’s name would you give me your phone number yet you don’t have a phone? It’s a PHONE number, not a SIMCARD number. Unless of course your simcard is capable of picking calls and replying text messages.

When I give you my number please do not mistake me for being a helpline or 911. I fail to recognise calls immediately after 10pm. I only reply to messages up to 12am on a relaxed night and for the rest of my ungodly morning hours is for surfing the net or for writing articles to keep you busy the following day. If perhaps you get blessed enough to talk to me up to 3 in the morning, do keep in mind that it’s the first and the last time; therefore the next day, kindly retreat all attempts of chatting me up to 3am. That ship is sailed and like the titanic it also sunk.

If you think you are hot or rather physically on fire and no one is there to take a picture to post for you on Instagram, please don’t hesitate. \amonfire \ineedfirefighters \selfiebeforeiburntodeath . At this crucial and extremely flammable time, I will be there. But if you think you are hot or in other words physically captivating, kindly note that the only thing that captivates me is everything but you, I don’t care about your body temperature nor the degree that you boil at. Unless you are Chris Henceworth, I will not grace your call with my time; it would be illegal.

Before you call anyone, ask yourself three times; is this information relevant and can it be keyed in as a text message? This is the number one rule of calling. Don’t ring anyone if your answer is yes or it will be the most boring conversation youve had. The phone call will be a series of awkwardness and crickets.

Second most important rule, do not make a mistake of calling someone then you tell them ‘niambie’ I mean you called them, they didn’t have anything to say to you so why are you putting them in a situation whereby they want to hang up or keep on repeating ‘poa’. I can even bet they would have only called you when they scrolled their phonebook and found no one else to call.

Kenyans have a habit of making a call then passing that phone call to everyone in the house. If my mother makes a phone call to my grandma, the phone call will go down to her children, to her grandchildren and possibly her great grandchildren if they could talk too (yet to be born). This pesky tradition must be put to an end. If I wanted to talk to grandma, I would have called her; that’s why I have a simcard and a phone. Otherwise grandma will end up forcing me to go dig with her, sleep early and listen to her stories of her hey days in a language I can barely converse in. (ningwendete mwaitu; I love you grandma)

One more thing, if I say I will call you the following day, keep note that I don’t mean it literally. Don’t call me at 12:01am asking me if we can talk because that will be the last conversation we will ever have.

If the above symptoms persist, seek medical advice.


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