SPONSORS FOR SALE? by Daisy Waitherero

Did you pledge to be in a relationship before 2017 started but you are still searching? Is your boyfriend all of a sudden experiencing bad network yet he works at Safaricom on Moi Avenue? Do you feel neglected, lonely and all of a sudden focused on your goals from 2013? Its mid-month of njaanuary .Your Equity Bank account has full-time archaeologists and explorers with zero findings. Your pockets have whirlwinds and if you zoom in you can see chuck Norris. These are the times you can settle for anyone even the mei guy who keeps winking at you, the boda guy who offers you uber discounts or even that annoying lad who texts you ‘hey’ eight times but you blue tick him.

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my crush, my bae this njaanuary

Do not be weary, good times are coming. When you will be paid by tenders, when you will flirt with people looking like Najib Balala instead of staring down at Atwoli’s kindred, times where you will use uber and side eye those Ronga’s nganyas and you will not take their free rides like a poor person. Made it by furry power. Made it to pizza level. Made it because the mei guy is monoculus- an outraged customer burnt his eye with makaa when he ate quarter of her mei in the eve of the month.
You complain that sausage is adamant, you have gained too much weight over the holiday, you have turned vegan and you like eating next to a butchery so your garnish is nyamachoma flavored. Do not be dismayed brethren, some of us the butcheries closed until February notice; do not suffer in silence. We have taken strong tea with ugali’s aroma for lunch; we have reclined to closing windows to avoid fresh air from whisking chicken flavored scent during supper; we have substituted avocado for lotion and left enough for stew.
All those who are cushioned with flat bellied zinjathropuses, help your boyfriends in need. Share the bank details, share the Prado and rent, be the breadwinner and bearer of the heavy pockets. Do not let him drink legend or keg, carry the take away William Lewis and an extra plate from Fogo Gaucho. Those who are selfish in January will burn next to the devils feet, Sulphur will be added onto them from the bottles of Moet and we shall throw maize combs at them so that it smells like popcorns, we shall host barbecue and tan parties every Friday night with our tall glasses of milk and honey.
We have risen and fallen but we shall rise again. All those who feel sufficiently philanthropic, my mpesa number is +25472131631X any amount will serve my community as a whole. Na hawa masponsors hununuliwa kwa supermarket ama hukuja kama mimba ya Nerea?

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